In my professional experience of listening to clients’ struggles I have found that EXPECTATIONS is the common denominator to many of their issues and that it is one of the toughest barriers to overcome.
As we are about to enter the beginning of March many people might have already given up on their New Year’s resolution or are starting to lose motivation. The reason so many people give up on their resolutions is not because they no longer want it, rather the expectations associated to these resolutions aren’t happening as they had imagined.
Here’s the thing, people SUCK at making accurate and appropriate expectations because they base it around other people’s expectations, assumptions, and/or inaccurate information, which results in expectations that are often times unrealistic and destined for failure.
Think about it. Look back on all of your problems and experiences that had an outcome you were not happy with. Now, make the connection to how your expectations played into the problem. “I expected…XYZ” and what you will notice is that you were left feeling those negative emotions because your reality did not match your expectations. The reason it didn’t match is 1 of 3 reasons. 1. your expectations were not communicated and/or didn’t align with everyone involved 2. your expectations were unrealistic. 3. You gave up before seeing it through.
If you want to take it even a little deeper, when expectations don’t match your reality this can usually bring up strong emotions like shame, which takes a life form of its own, if not addressed. That is why we find ourselves in the same unhealthy patterns time and time again. We seem to keep picking the wrong partners, going on a diet every year, having the same arguments, always changing jobs, etc.
So the solution? Although it would be easy to suggest to simply have no expectations, that is unrealistic, that is like telling someone who is angry to just stop being angry. Like emotions, it is something that we just experience automatically. So the solution is to bring it to the conscious level, be aware of your expectations, evaluate them, question them, and adjust them accordingly. Bringing your expectations to the conscious level and looking at it through a critical lens is a skill that is hard to do but not impossible. Similar to learning any new skill it requires consistency and practice and there is a learning curve but once you learn it you will find that it is an invaluable skill that is essential to your overall happiness.
Something else I personally do is try to remove “should” from my language. “I should lose weight… My husband should listen better…My kids should play nice…” Because when these “should statements” don’t match what is happening in my reality it leaves me filled with anger, resentment, sadness, embarrassment…all the emotions that don’t lead me in the direction of making choices that can actually make me happy. “Should” statements narrows your outcomes, when people say that, “this is how it should be,” and yet, that is not what is happening, all that you are left with are negative emotions and a sense of helplessness to your situation.
People often underestimate the power of language and how we speak to ourselves. This minor shift in thinking and talking has really helped me reality check the expectations I was placing on myself both consciously and unconsciously. I have also been able to generalize this idea to other people. When I hear others say “I should…blah blah blah” I find myself questioning it and I will often challenge them to question it as well and as a result it leads to deeper and more thoughtful conversations. Removing should from your language can encourage self-acceptance and brings the focus back to things that you are able to control which can leave you feeling empowered instead of helpless to your situation. So instead of saying, “I should lose 20 pounds by summer” try saying “I am going to be more healthy.” The first sentence leaves no room for error, if you don’t lose 20 pounds by summer then you’re more likely to be discouraged and give up. The second sentence opens up more opportunity for you to succeed in your goal. Being healthy can mean intaking less sugar, increasing physical activity, addressing your mental health needs, etc. By removing one word you are gaining more opportunities to reach your happiness.
I actively and intentionally attempt to be aware of how my expectations might be affecting my experiences and aim to focus my energy and thoughts on simply being present (AKA mindful). When I am able to be present in my experiences I am less likely to judge the experience in the moment, which will allow me to engage in a way that will likely result in a more positive outcome. However, even if I have realistic expectations and I am able to be mindful in my experiences, it does not guarantee I will have the outcome I want and I will still experience the negative emotions associated with not having my expectations met and THAT’S OKAY. I can genuinely say that, “that’s okay,” because I have learned to believe that this is true. I know that there are things that are beyond my control. I also know that I only have a limited amount of energy a day and I have to be conscientious about how I use this energy. I choose to focus on the things I can control. I can be mindful, I can be conscientious of my words, and I can question my expectations. By focusing my energy on these things I have no energy left to feed into my negative emotions that resulted from a negative outcome. This is not to say I don’t experience them, I simply don’t dwell in it, and I am able to move past it much more quickly.
I understand that all of these things I have mentioned might sound simple to do, yet, many people, including myself, struggle with consistently doing it everyday. It is hard to do these things because it requires a lot of mental and emotional awareness, which can be mentally draining and is a big reason why many people actively avoid doing it or have been conditioned to avoid doing due to cultural, gender, and/or societal pressures. But if you are ready to stop killing your own happiness and recognize that you might need help doing that, I would suggest seeking outside support with a therapist or a coach, AKA me. (If it isn’t already obvious-this is my one and only plug). Just be aware that one of the first things we discuss and critically evaluate is your expectations for your therapy or coaching experience (see what I did there?).
Don’t forget to like this blog if you enjoyed reading it, feel free to share on social media or with someone that you think needs to read it, and please leave me a comment if you have any feedback or suggestions about this blog and/or future blogs you would like me to write about!